Have you ever had a moment in your life where you just knew, knew, something wasn’t right? The path you were on had already ended, your happiness had pretty much gone with it, and you knew what had to change, but that change would flip your whole world on its axis?
When I turned thirty, maybe a week after my birthday, I did just that. Things hadn’t been right in years. I knew it, and the longer I waited to take action, the worse it became. There were some things that were absolutely right in my life. My job, which I sunk so much time and energy into, was exactly what I needed to be doing. It felt so right. Everything I sacrificed, hours of sleep I didn’t get, the risk I took on myself—it was my right path. But along the way, I had neglected other aspects of my life. It took me a while to see what I was doing. I was burying my entire being into my work and building it to what it is today, but it was my escape—because I was running hard.
When I turned thirty, maybe a week after my birthday, I did just that. Things hadn’t been right in years. I knew it, and the longer I waited to take action, the worse it became. There were some things that were absolutely right in my life. My job, which I sunk so much time and energy into, was exactly what I needed to be doing. It felt so right. Everything I sacrificed, hours of sleep I didn’t get, the risk I took on myself—it was my right path. But along the way, I had neglected other aspects of my life. It took me a while to see what I was doing. I was burying my entire being into my work and building it to what it is today, but it was my escape—and I was running hard.
I was avoiding my feelings. Really…I was avoiding a conflict I knew was going to happen because I had felt a certain way for years and couldn’t figure out how to confront it or make the changes I needed to make. Nothing felt right anymore. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
The feeling you get when you lose yourself and become a shell is indescribable. I hadn’t cried in three years. I hadn’t faced my reality in just as long. I suppose that was the moment when I knew things were really done and I was meant to go a different way. My ex and I had finished whatever it was we were brought together to learn. We spent the entirety of my twenties together, and we grew immensely—me more than him. He was the same guy I got with when I was twenty. I was growing, I was blooming, I was following my path, marching to my beat—he was staying the same.
Remember when I said I flipped my world upside down? Well, my god, did I. Go big or go home! And I went huge! That same risk I took on myself with my career…well, I did it again. It was the right thing to do—for me. It was what I needed. But I had a lot of pieces I still had to put back together. This new phase in my life, became a journey—a journey of finding me again.
Right now, I know you’re asking yourself how this is a sex blog, and I’m getting to that—pinky swear! Actually, I’ll get to that right now. I’ve never been afraid of sex. It’s never been a taboo subject for me. Maybe it’s my Scorpio Venus (hello, taboo!), or my love of dark, dirty reads, or my genuine curiosity about sexuality, the human condition, psychology, how it all pulls together, how different everyone’s tastes and desires are—it’s like a playground of possibilities you just want to understand.
When I started down my career path, I went after romance titles. That’s what I wanted to work on—that’s what I specialize in. But it was during those years of complete self-abandonment that I found myself looking for more in the books I would read. I wanted the steam, the sexy, the passion, the dirty, the raw, but I also wanted the soft and cute. I wanted everything I wasn’t getting. And it was in these books that I realized so much more about what I wanted in a relationship…within reality-type reason, you know.
Before that point, my only relationships had been long-term, and there had been three. I had a kid at sixteen, so let me also start this out by saying homegirl lost her virginity young and learned a lot of “lessons” along the way. Ever since I was young, I think it started around ten, I’ve had a fascination with the human body and human sexuality. I remember stealing Penthouse magazines I had found in one of my dad’s drawers. I was enamored by the human form, both men and women. I was enamored by sex. I was enamored by owning your body, your sexuality, your womanhood—yourself. It wasn’t in an obsessive way, just a genuine fascination, a genuine curiosity, a genuine desire.
I’d had one-night stands or more friendly relationships in between long-term, but I knew my soul had always been seeking a partner. And at that time in my life, I had never been willing to go all in with anyone. Twenty was the age. It was when I went in—but still not all in. I feel like it was almost like I was saving giving my whole self to the person who would be my forever. But the person I met when I was twenty was exactly who I needed to grow into who I was when that confrontation finally happened.
I feel like I’m getting off-track again, but with sex is everything always “on track”? No!
So, at thirty, I took a chance on me. I took a chance that I could make it on my own while supporting myself and my two kids…and I started a new journey, one of recognition of self, one of finding me, one of indulging in things I had thought about, but never done. Because I wasn’t my twenty-year-old self anymore. I wasn’t the same person I had been even months before I took the actions I needed to take.
When you take life by the horns without many boundaries, a lot is destined to happen. But isn’t that living? Isn’t that growing, learning, figuring out yourself? For the first time in ten years, I was free without any obligation whatsoever aside from my children and bills.
Not everything I’m going to talk about will be based on personal experience, but the experiences of those close to me as well. Some topics will be heavy, some emotional, but there’s also a lot of fun and ridiculous. Above all, there is experience. And experience always shapes you into the person you’re meant to be. Some of my posts are going to be hilarious, some informative, some sage advice will be given. My ultimate goal? To share my experiences, my thoughts, my opinions, my viewpoints. To empower you. To relate. I want to answer questions, I want to guide you to being your truest self and expressing your sexual truth, I want to show you how to take taboo and societal standards and stick your foot up their ass, and I want stories from you guys I can share and talk about anonymously without any judgement while giving my opinion and spin on them. I want to show how okay it is to express your sexuality and experiences. From one-night stands, to taking control of your sexuality, to experimenting, to spicing things up, to divulging in your urges, to talking about and living out fantasies, to dating in the modern world, and everything in between, I’m going to talk about it all, and possibly more.
So, that’s my story. Now? Let’s talk about sex, baby!
Stay sexy, you little vixens!